I feel like I've been getting off topic recently but fuck it this is a funny story.
So I have been talking to this girl for a while and we hang out constantly. We finally decided to go out for a movie and spend some quality time together. Now let me stop for a moment and explain that I am an awkward person. Like I ooze awkward, it could be bottled and marketed as a fragrance for nerdy men. So here I am going into this date, really excited but super-duper like slapstick nervous. Why? I don't FUCKIN KNOW. I think I laughed after every comment, funny or not. I'm not talking my various normal laughs either, more like a whispery shadow of a laugh designed to mask the possibility of screaming at any time. Also I made the poor decision the previous night to down half a bottle of vodka leaving me rather hungover. Then because of the pure anxiety I didn't eat more than a bag of trail mix leaving my stomach in a stellar digestive mood.
But on the outside I'm all cool, nonchalant, confident mode. Fake it till you make it they told me, it always works they told me.....
So we get there and make small talk till we go in. Bam! i realize split second decision time, do I sit up front where we can enjoy the movie? or go up to the top for premium privacy? wheres the damn manual for situations like that? Well I go safe choice, up front to watch the movie, cause honestly nine fuckin dollars regal? I'm damn well gonna get my moneys worth in visual feast.
The movie begins, its entertaining enough but I keep getting the impression from our constantly bumping elbows that neither of us know what to do with our hands with all this sexual tension between us. So after developing an ulcer over this for 30 minutes I decide fuck it, YOLO and go traditional yet classy with the old yawn and stretch.
From the get go I realize, my technique is lacking to say the least. Instead of smoothly placing my arm across her deltoids it ends up death gripped to the end of her seat in a position I'd describe as in the center of her skull. I whited out for about ten minutes of the movie at this point. I've already committed but my arm is falling asleep, FAST, and my brain is screaming for a solution. After five of the awkwardest minutes of my life I removed my arm to, "check my phone".
Like what a completely transparent gesture, and so taboo in a movie theater too. For the rest of the movie I'm dreading the car ride back wondering if I've just botched everything, and will be forever remembered in her circle as the dip shit who put an arm bar across her head at a movie. I couldn't help thinking of the guys sitting behind us just whispering to each other about how much of an asshole I looked at that moment.
Can you feel the awkwardness oozing yet?
Their is a happy ending to this story though. After departing under rather normal circumstances later on, she texted me 30 minutes later saying she had a really good time, with a smiley face. A FUCKIN SMILEY FACE. I think shes a keeper, and I didn't bring too much shame upon my family after all.
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